How Happy Can We Be Without Showing It to the World? Part 3

SWITCH: OFF Social Media/ ON Life. (ANOTHER) ONE MONTH EXPERIMENT.

Aug 21, 2024

PUZZLE WORDS: failure. confusing appreciation with love. external self-worth. emotional co-dependency. freeze. exhausted nervous system. search for Self. social media detox. discipline = self-love. taking ownership. responsibility. creating a space energetically.

Some of these words I let go with the fire, some of them I integrate with the ocean.

photo of the author on a women's circle in Amed, letting go of fears and limiting beliefs under the full moon.

So, let’s answer one more time for you and me: How Happy Can We Be Without Showing It to the World?

YESTERDAY

about failure, seeking external Self-worth. confusing appreciation with love. emotional co-dependency.

I felt I had failed. Several times throughout the day.

I felt I had failed when my partner told me he was mad at me because I hadn't done anything financially in a year so I could travel to Europe with him.

I felt in my body the failure of loving myself without having to do anything to prove I was worth it. I was exhausted after my talk with him. No life force, no joy. I went to sleep directly.

Later in the day, while editing some photos that I was very proud of, I began to feel a growing restlessness in my body. I thought about blaming it on the coffee. But coffee only amplifies what's already in me.

I send those photos forward thinking that maybe what I'm feeling is excitement, when in fact I realized it was my need for external validation of my worth as a human, not as an artist.

I was looking for that feeling of temporary excitement.

I was waiting for validation for having done something I thought was beautiful. I was waiting for appreciation because that was what made me believe I was loved and deserved more love.

I felt I had failed in the relationship when reading from the book "Women Who Love Too Much" I realized I was emotionally co-dependent and I chose the familiar childhood dynamic: escaping from reality, imagined suffering, alertness, fear of rejection. However, to some extent, I also sabotaged the relationship by bringing all the shadows to the surface and using them as an excuse to stay in fear, freeze, and confusion. I felt I had failed to be a good, reliable, stable partner.

I felt the failure in my professional life by looking at all the dreams, all the ideas, all the projects started but not finalized.

I felt the failure and somehow it seemed I had to give it more space.

TODAY

about failure again, mistaking love for appreciation, an exhausted nervous system.

This morning, with a heightened level of anxiety, with a sadness already present in my body, I set off for Ubud.

On the way I listened to a podcast with a man I appreciate and cherish enormously: Mind Architect with Paul Olteanu, season 10.

His vulnerability and story touched me deeply, inspiring these lines as well as a radical decision.

The episode is mainly about mistaking appreciation for love, which I also listened to when I wrote the book "DAY 0? Wake Up, Love!" and in which I slipped in the idea of confusing appreciation with love.

This time, especially after everything I experienced yesterday, my capacity for understanding was much more encompassing, much more painful, but extremely healing.

More than 10,000 km away from my country, looking at the beauty of nature in Bali, listening to the gentle and wise voice of a Romanian, I realized, crying, that the failure I felt yesterday was also related to my "flight" so far away from parts of myself that I do not accept, deep family roots, and also my desire that on my return to finally "prove" that I deserve it through all that I thought I would have succeeded in doing here.

But I can see that there is something changing with me. Something that gets reset, and every time I want to do things for others from a non-aligned place (to receive appreciation), the results are always limited, and uncomfortable.

At the same time, I realized that I was once again trapped in the prison of my mind. Moreover, my nervous system is exhausted. That this freeze also comes from perhaps a childhood trauma that I have not yet metabolized. Or maybe it runs in my family.

I've felt failure much more painfully. If someone were to look closely at my daily life here, they would say that I am ungrateful, that I am incapable of seeing the good things. Many would envy me for the freedom I have, for the love around me, for the magic in my life.

Only I am grateful. I can see all that I have with teary eyes of wonder and overwhelm. But what I don't have the capacity yet is to accept that I deserve it. Sometimes I even think I judge myself for having too much when others have too little. And I keep trying to justify happiness or sabotage it.

I've felt failure all over again. Then I realized it was necessary to feel it. That it's okay to fail and accept it. It's part of the human experience. But that doesn't mean that failure is who I am.

This was an important step toward my love of Self.

And to what's next.

TOMORROW

social media detox. discipline = self-love. empowerment. accountability. Responsibility. Creating space for more energy. search for Self.

That starts from Now.

I recently read about the meaning of the word discipline from another Romanian human I admire. Growing up, this word was associated with punishment.

But, as Xenia said, discipline can be the most radical act of Self-love when we choose to do something for ourselves from a place of love, not punishment.

What I can notice about myself is that I am not a structured, organized person. I am more in flow with intuition, with my inner seasons.

But even here I tend to punish myself because I think I should be like everyone else, and sometimes I get into freeze, disconnecting myself from what I really need.

What do I really need?

When I decided to write this story, I realized it would be better to change the title:

How REAL can we be without showing it to the world?

Authenticity (me with myself)

I've often wandered around this concept of authenticity. I thought I understood and mastered it well enough to bring myself to social media in authenticity.

Well, for those of you who may have already read about my healing session almost two weeks ago, I'm still on the road to the essence of who I really am.

The Essence of One

Simona Anca Maria Toma

August 18, 2024

Read full story

In this case, it's kind of difficult to be 100% authentic in both worlds. Of course, that doesn't mean that bringing myself 70% authentic makes me a fake person. No!

It just means I am as much as I know how to be, as I experiment and discover.

But...

I notice that I waste a lot of energy in the whole process, especially in the virtual world.

I consume a lot of information that sometimes benefits me, and sometimes confuses me.

There will always be two completely opposing views on one subject. As I know more, I feel like I know nothing.

Oh, and there will always be moving planets that will influence us one way or another.

I do my best to present my creations - video, photo, writing - but I doubt their value when I release them into the world, and I still wait for confirmation, appreciation, love.

So I'm still not fully aligned.

I no longer have enough mental space to reconnect to my own truth.

I have identified that I therefore need an experiment to create more energetic space in my life.

Social Media Detox

A disconnect from social media (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter) for a month.

For now.

I will stay on Substack (where I will continue to write), WhatsApp (not full-time), and Gmail.

Why now and not later?

Because now is the best time to start choosing more self-love, to honor myself.

Until I come back...

I will go for a long walk in real life.

Which I encourage you to do from time to time.