“YOU are in your words (writing).” - M.
.
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Another layer is peeling. Another return to Self is happening.
Honestly, I would prefer not to write at this moment. I would rather go and eat my emotions & thoughts together with a croissant from this French bakery we have in Amed, and maybe drink some coffee after. And I could also eat a brownie. I think I would not judge myself for doing so…
But…
I am here. And I am writing myself into these words.
Because this is part of my expression.
Last night, M. asked me:
“What are you trying to do with the last video from Instagram about authenticity?
My first answer was:
I want to attract people to become paid subscribers to my #Substack account, because there they will have access to the full version. (yeah, I can agree - this sounds a little superficial to me too but wait for…)
The truth behind:
Initially, when I recorded that video my intention was simply to put myself out of my comfort zone. And to share my raw thoughts about authenticity.
I wanted to show myself to the world in a different way - I tried this a few times before - a video recording of me speaking freely without having something prepared.
But why? What do you want to share?
My second answer was:
I want to inspire people to open their hearts.
M. said something that people would prefer to see me without trying to put on a mask.
Of course, at this point, the dialogue triggered me and made me feel insecure again about who I am and what is my purpose, and made me question where I am not aligned with the truth of my heart.
So…before I go to the root of “why?”, I need to touch on the root of acceptance of myself.
Acceptance
“How much do you accept yourself?” - M. asks me in the same conversation.
I didn’t answer.
The truth is, after all this healing journey - I am still learning how to do it.
I have days when I am falling in love with myself.
And there are days when …I am rejecting parts of me.
I noticed, of course, when I looked at that video all my imperfections - so many wrinkles, my small misaligned tooth, my gray hair. I see myself aging and I feel scared.
Maybe… doing these videos is about learning to accept more parts of me.
Maybe.
Back to WHY?
I see myself aging and I feel scared.
This phrase shows me the same old fear. I feel I am losing the essence of life.
It looks like I came back to where I started before I came to Bali.
“what is life? What is its ultimate purpose? Can it be contained in a definition, valid for all people on Earth? No! I doubt. How I see things is often different than how you see them.
Is life about a continuous search?
Are we constantly building and tearing ourselves down?
So that we start all over again?
We are born, we live as we feel, as we are told, as we are asked, as we know, and then we die? “ - Letters Before Bali
As I was saying in the first lines, there is another layer that is being peeled off.
M. started to film me during our “dream dialogues”. He was asking me questions. And I was replying, while in fact… he was trying to “touch” the “real”, the “authentic” Simona.
Maybe he did. Maybe with him, I can bring out all of my parts into light. (well, actually I am also learning to do that)
So, it looks like…I am (indeed) a puzzle.
there are parts of me here. in writing. there are parts of me there. in videos. there are parts of me in my relationships. and there are parts of me that are still waiting to be seen, to be accepted, to be integrated - in everything I do, in everything I create, in every relationship.
Maybe doing these videos is just a part of me experiencing the expression of parts of myself differently. And I don’t necessarily need to analyze it.
Still, the WHY remains.
I posted here and in other places on social media, about my intention that
“I want to make money doing what I love. I want to make money from my writing.”
A close friend told me two days ago that I made money when I was writing. He had a valid point.
So I want to see where (or if) I am doing something wrong.
Does it feel now that I am asking first for money? And I am limiting my love, my expression to the world? I really don’t know…I hope I am not.
I did write a book in two months and it is out there: Day 0? Wake Up, Love!
Yet…
From the moment I decided to stay in Bali, to write Letters from Bali - I was asking for money so I could keep writing (and living).
My only focus at that moment was to write. To experience life, myself, and to write about everything.
I was writing almost every day. And I was living from one day to another, bringing gratitude for everything I have (no matter how small, insignificant, or big) and everything I experience.
So? How about now?
Indeed, I am not writing every day anymore.
I am re-learning to listen to my heart again. Because it might be that I am more in my mind.
I know that I want balance, more living, more stability, and consistency, and to express Love through what I create - as authentic as all the parts in me can step into the light.
We will see how this goes.
Meanwhile - the video with my dialogue with M. it’s completely raw and untouched, with no edits, no cuts, no filters.
I hope you will find authenticity, vulnerability, and hopefully, a reason to open your heart more - to love yourself more, to accept yourself with all your parts.
Before I go - I want to add here a video I discovered in the #LettersFromLove from
.“Fighting” my bad thoughts is something constant in the last months - especially in “Day 0? Wake Up, Love!”.
As an interesting synchronicity - connecting other dots from my past,
was present with me in 2016 when I had my last day in a corporation.Looking back to that moment - I was so happy following my passions.
“(…) I choose a new song from the playlist, Fight Song (Rachel Platten), and continue writing.
I never imagined that I could earn money from my passions. Writing and photography.
But here I am.
Today I chose to follow my truth and I feel it is the most real and good decision I have ever made.
Courage? It depends what your definition of it is.
Madness? Maybe.
Risks? Many.
Fear of the unexpected? There is and not too much.
I'm alive? More than ever.
Today I allow myself to be ME and experience my inner Universe. Here, now...in the present.
Today I chose my happiness and freedom.
So what do you choose today?
April 2016” - Letters before Bali
P.S. I believe that going for that croissant would have made this day very different though - I stayed almost the entire day writing here :)
But hey - sometimes we have choices to make. A different choice can be a significant difference that can mark a new beginning.
Follow your heart…no matter how far it takes you.
S.
Dream dialogues with M.